The Cuckoo Clock

Sunlight streams through the mountain air, razor sharp, I try to walk in a straight line. My neck strains from my swivelling gaze.

Vistas, wow what vistas.

Grietze! Umm yes good morning

The mountains are snow covered and the world looks a postcard as I wend along the valley floor on a path especially for hikers.

Grietze!! Grietze!! Umm yes Good Morning.

This place is so perfect no wonder they make cheese here.

Grietze!! And 2 seconds later..Grietze!!

Grietze I mumble back. Wondering what the hell is a grietze, I grietze my way along the path and into the nearest grietze looking little refreshment kiosk which reminds me of a big chunk of cheese. It looks fairly grietze though, given the mountain air and the rare angle of the light.

Grietze exclaims the kiosk vendor and I do mean exclaims. So I amble up and ask in my poshest English “er excuse me, whats grietze mean?”

Hmm yes so Swiss, so very very Swiss.

So I buy some cheese and some…………………….ah, well you know…… chocolate, and continue my little wonder along the valley floor, totally blown away by the mountainous view until….. Grietze!!!! Yep you get it, every 10 steps as you would pass another hiker the ubiquitous greeting Grietze!!!!!

Smeh, I’ve had enough of mountains anyway at this stage and so I stealthily repair to the nearest railway station avoiding everyone with a backpack and a hiking stick, and board a train headed back to Zurich.

Not a Grietze was received, especially at the railway station. Trains are a very serious affair to the Swiss and who am I to argue, given I am now released from the passing stream of Grietze bidders.

I have seen many a Swiss start to tap their watch and get quite agitated when a train is a minute or two late. Swiss watches of course. Swiss trains would never run late for Japanese watches. But of course if you’re Swiss you know this.

The trains in Switzerland are absolutely civilised. They go everywhere and in addition to the famed reliability, they are cheap. You can even take your bike along. A mountain bike of course silly. They have special racks, and whilst you pay, the bike rides for free.

Another amazing transport feat of the Swiss is the Post Bus network. Yep the Postman in addition to delivering mail, delivers you to the top of the mountains, whereupon you get to either walk (and be Grietze’d at all day) or ride down the mountain at speeds way to quick for all but an echoing Grietze.

Not long after my first little mountaineering excursion, I moved into a rather posh little flat in downtown Zurich. Quite the quarter. A short walk from the Bahnhoffstrasse and with its very own little rail station a block away. It had 3 chocolate shops within metres but what I didn’t realise was a little Zurich secret.

One night, I was waiting for a friend and fellow traveller to arrive in town and decided to quarter the city by foot. Zurich isn’t that big so this was not such an heroic feat.

What struck me was that Zurich, aside from the shopping facades, consists of basically 3 services downtown in really extraordinary quantities.

OK, Banks is a no brainer, and the Law firms are also a gimme but heres the secret. Psychiatrists. Yep Psychiatrists, they outnumber even the banks.

So as I move in to my flash little apartment, I start to get the neighbours knocking on the door.

Grietze!! Yeah yeah, hi, thanks for coming ……nice to see you how can I help?
Now picture this. The first knocker was a guy dressed in only a bathrobe. Couldn’t speak English, all he did after the Grietze was hold out an empty salt shaker. Yup got rid of him. Then an old lady asking about the mail and did we have her mail, after of course the obligatory Grietze.

And so it went. All evening. Never seen quite so many oddballs in one place

Next door to my flash little abode was a private mental clinic.

I checked out the next day, much to the amusement of the rental clerk who thought I knew.

Ah the Swiss sense of humour.

So if your at your limit, or think that someone’s out to get you, perhaps Switzerland is for you. A warning though. Have serious money. And always, yes always hire a lawyer and Zurich will embrace you with a hearty (well cheesy maybe) Grietze. Or “May God be with You”. (Pronounce it Grr it zee).

Whose God you might ask? Well if you haven’t worked that one out yet, let me recommend a good doctor I know…………

Did you know that each Swiss dwelling MUST by Law have a nuclear fall out shelter? I am serious. And it gets inspected once a year by a man in a white coat.

Maybe it’s the chocolate. Who knows?

Oh and if you want good food in Switzerland, drive to France. How much cheese can ya possibly eat after all?